I Don't Want to Be

I don't want to be anything other than me. Than who I am and can be.

There's nothing wrong with that, but I guess I'm saying it more to me than anyone reading this.

I can't pretend
I don't have time
I won't make time

Remembering who I have to be for someone (when it isn't the real me) is work I'm not willing to do anymore. I'm not angry, just making peace with it.

There is never going to be a time when everyone loves, wants & appreciates me in all my craziness. But there is always going to be a time when those near & important to me will love, want & appreciate me. I am grateful for that.

Living this life.

Feelings. Nothing more than feelings.

I always thought I wasn't the type of girl who was "girly". I don't like chick flicks, I don't like shopping. I don't like chocolate. (I almost heard you gasp in disbelief)

Relax.

But then, who's to say just because those things aren't me, that I'm not girly? Just because I love action movies, or riding a 4-wheeler, or watching football.

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and came to terms with the fact that I'm girly simply because I'm a girl. And that works for me. I like to put on makeup and have it look nice. I like to look in the mirror and like what I see. I like to hear someone say I look pretty.

I may just be wearing makeup to a screening of The Fast & The Furious, but it's me.

Lately I've felt less and less like I need to define myself by a societal label, and more and more like I just need to live my authentic life.

Living this life. 

I'm Coming Back

It's been over 3 years. To think how much life happens in three years is incredible. While I haven't been updating on the blog itself, I have been writing and reading, singing and loving the moments I've experienced.

I promised a certain someone that I would start writing again on my blog, so here goes.

I think I'm going to try to upload some of the things I've written during the time I was away.

In essence,
I want people to know me
I want people to understand me
I want people to be around me

Living this life.

Hey, I think I just accidentally came upon my tag for the next little while.

"Living this life".

More Changes

Ok, so the blog is going to change. My original intention was to do 1 post a week with my thoughts, photos, ideas, etc.

I got ambitious and forgot that I had a lot on my plate. I thought I could do this daily post things but in reality I can't.

I don't know why I feel bad but for some reason I do. Maybe it feels like a failure, or maybe I don't like giving up. But I can't look at it that way.

This is just another in a line of changes.

So weekly posts it is.

Till tomorrow (cause I think I'll do this on Sunday nights),
~ SB

Snow...of course

Just doing what everyone else is...

Till tomorrow
~ SB

Exhaustion

Tonight, I'm tired. Worked nearly 11 hours with only a 5 minute break.

And still, I didn't get everything finished...and I hate leaving things unfinished.

Guess I will be back at it tomorrow.

Till tomorrow
~SB

Revelation 4 Reflection

Wrote this at small group tonight at church. My reflections on if I "walked in" on Revelation 4.

Blinded by brilliance, yet I see
colors I cannot describe
surrounded on all sides
with wonder
Breath escapes me as I take it in
Power
Deafening crashes
a tympani to their song
music in their words
Resounding voices in a harmony unheard
every word
singing forever holy
holy
Holy
All that lives
the breathes
adoration
All eyes on the King
No past
no present
no future can contain
Majesty
Awakening
I take a stand falling on my knees
giving my life in worship
Raising no longer silent cries from a heart that longs
to serve the one who is worthy.

Till tomorrow
~SB

Puzzling

Had fun doing puzzles... Been a long time since I did one.

Gonna hey the final products glued and framed.

Stay tuned.

Till tomorrow
~ SB

Glad to get a Break

Pain or no pain I was glad to get out to friends and family night at Burke's Irish Castle.

So proud of my youngest bro for all he's accomplished in his life.

Great food, great atmosphere, great time.

Till tomorrow
~ SB

I'm Surrounded by Greatness

And I mean it when I say that.

I have been extremely blessed in the fact that I have some of the greatest family and friends ever. I have had days in my life that have driven me to darkness, but there has always been, always been someone there.

Someone who cracks a joke, someone who gives a smile, someone who offers a hug (even though that's not usually my thing). It's always such an encouragement, and in all seriousness makes me so happy.

As the pain medication wears off and I start to feel the burn in my eye after the stitches came out this afternoon, I'm still sitting here smiling, thinking of the multiple emails, texts, Facebook messages, etc. that I received just in the time from my last post yesterday night till now.

Greatness...I'm surrounded by greatness (even when some of us are hundreds of miles apart)!

If you don't believe me, take a look:

"thinking about you"
"love you lots"
"He is with you every step of the way......as are we!"
" I will be thinking about you"
" You're on my mind...all the best"
"Here's looking at you :) "
" I will be thinking about you"

And that is just a sampling of you all.

You continue to show me it's all worth it.

Till tomorrow
~SB

Nerves are Kicking In

The remaining stitches are coming out tomorrow. You would think after having this done multiple times I would not fear it anymore. And I guess it isn't even that I am really afraid. It just means that this is the turning point after this second transplant.

The stitches come out and then we move forward. But do I move forward with better vision or the same as before? I know that there are a lot worse struggles in life, and I have been extremely lucky in the turnout of my circumstances, but sometimes I think about the fact that I am 32 years old and am potentially going down a path to blindness.

I have been really encouraged by friends and family, but it is still hard when I think about certain things. Like knowing I will potentially fail my next drivers test, or realizing how much I take for granted.

I'm glad I am trying to set some new priorities for this year, because they are helping me see things from a different perspective.

Change happens and even though sometimes the changes aren't what we want, they may be what we need.

Don't get me wrong, I am not thrilled about tomorrow, but I will still enjoy today. And if you think about it, tomorrow will be today eventually, so maybe I will be fine.

Till tomorrow
~ SB

Amanda, Come Back

The title says it all.

I miss this girl already, and it's only the end of our first day at work without her. But, I don't take back how happy I am for her.

Getting to be her friend makes my life a lot happier!

Till tomorrow
~SB

Happy Birthday Tony

Happy birthday, Tony.

You have been a pretty cool big brother over the years. I'm really glad we actually hang out now.

Here's to another great year, bro.

Till tomorrow
~SB

It's About People

A PSA from me...

I know it sounds cliche, but I genuinely believe it.

Guns don't kill people. People kill people.

And no, it wasn't loaded.

Now back to watching the UFC fights.

Till tomorrow
~ SB

Successful Night

Had a ton of fun tonight...

Thanks for the laughs Amy, Gary, Tina, Tami, Olivia and Gavin.

Till tomorrow
~ SB

Contradictions

I take a stand falling on my knees

awaiting answers with baited breath...breathing heavily

crying in silence to be heard

Eyes open wide

but blinded by the darkness

Moving, yet standing still

Till tomorrow

~SB

Unacceptable

All I have to say today is this is unacceptable.

I love how 21° will feel warm.

Till tomorrow
~ SB

Letting Go

Today I was reflecting on something I heard years ago. It stays with me because it is so contradictory to what we normally think.

Think about a trying time in your life, or a moment when things were about to be at their worst. Imagine for a moment that that thing/event had a rope tied around it. Now think about your natural reaction to those things going wrong. When things go bad our first thought is to hold on tighter. For me it was always the same, I held on tighter. We take comfort in holding on thinking that it gives us some sort of control...thinking that anyway.

But I heard an approach that really hit something inside me.

What if I just let go?

Crazy, right?

What if I stopped focusing so hard on the problem, and just continued to be? What if holding on to the rope tighter was only making things worse for myself?

I'm trying to let go.

Till tomorrow
~ SB

Had a Good Day

I liked today.

Had a great morning singing at church, spent some time shopping with my sister-in-law & my niece and ended the night watching a movie and some television with my cousins.

Nothing profound to say today. Simply put, no complaints here.

Till tomorrow
~SB

Choices

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like now had I made different choices. What if I had chosen a different first college? What if I had stayed with my science major? What if I took better care of myself? What if I didn't say the thing I did when I did?, etc...

I know that we can't live in the "what ifs", but sometimes I wonder if things would be monumentally different. I know I am NOT alone in this thinking. But I've also thought a lot about the fact that I still know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. My journey has had a lot of bumps along the way, and I guarantee it is not over yet. But, I look at it this way: maybe the bumps and the curves in the road are preparing me for challenges I don't even know about yet. And for me, I'd rather be prepared.

I know that sounds a little strange, but I have been through things. Things I wouldn't wish on others. Yet, if you were to ask me if I wish it hadn't happened. While I may say yes, I still know deep down that those things have changed me, and have helped shape me into the person I am. Who, by the way is a pretty cool person. Haha.

All in all, maybe I'm not happy with every little thing in my life right now, but I have joy that I HAVE a life right now.

Till tomorrow
~ SB